


Us And All We've Done

by baeminhyuk



Category: BLACKPINK (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Angst, F/F, Mild Sexual Content
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-13
Updated: 2019-03-13
Packaged: 2019-10-30 05:58:51
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,376
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17823188
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/baeminhyuk/pseuds/baeminhyuk
Summary: Jennie is hers, but Lisa doesn't think she could ever really let herself be Jennie’s.





	Us And All We've Done

**Author's Note:**

> i apologize in advance for this one; this is my heaviest work yet. some trigger warnings ahead: if you aren't comfortable with mentions of mature themes like cheating, domestic abuse, depression, and swearing, please turn away now. this is 100% au (bp never happened) and just really angsty

 

"Stop."

Lisa sort of whimpers and stills her hips, which isn't what Jennie meant at all, and if she weren't so desperate for the release she knows Lisa will give her, she'd probably be angry. "Don't kiss me like that."

The younger woman pushes up onto her arms. "What?"

Lisa’s the one who's mad. She jerks her hips hard and Jennie can't help the sound she makes.

"You're making my skin red," she tells her, slipping her fingers into Lisa’s dark blond hair. "C'mon, baby. _Please_."

She doesn't kiss her again after that. Jennie thinks that she would rather have the marks on her skin than not have Lisa’s lips at all.

 

* * *

 

"You're late getting in," Chaeyoung murmurs, eyes barely open as the television in their bedroom buzzes.

"Yeah. The encore went on long." Lisa gently kisses her temple and then pulls her shirt off and slips out of her joggers. She’s a choreographer and dancer for Big Bang, and she's so sweaty after shows that her wife won't let her into their bed until she takes a bath. “Is Liam okay?”

"Mmm. He really misses his mommy.”

Honestly, that makes Lisa feel more guilty than anything else.

 

* * *

 

"Meet me."

"I can't," Jennie sort of laughs. "It's a fucking Thursday.”

Her husband is in the other room. On weekends, he usually goes to see his mother in Busan. She and Lisa don't typically see each another during the week, unless they 'have a meeting' and they fuck in a corner of her office or in Lisa's studio, or they happen to share a cab — coincidence, obviously — and she works Lisa through her pants.

"She's gone for the night."

They've never met at Lisa’s place before. Hers at least has four spare bedrooms in which to fuck without the guilt. Lisa lives in a two-bedroom somewhere across the park from her; she and her wife in one room and their son on the other.

"Lisa."

"Baby, _please_. I need you right now."

She doesn't ask where her son is. She sleeps with Lisa in her bed and forgets to feel bad about it when she’s inside her and when Lisa has her wrists pinned against the mattress.

 

* * *

 

"Are you okay?" is how Lisa answers the call she places to her in the middle of the night. She doesn't like it when she calls like this. Not because she's afraid of Chaeyoung finding out or whatever, but because Jennie doesn't reach out to people  _ever_.

Only her, sometimes. Jennie says she's not 'people', and it makes Lisa feel better than it should.

"I'm fine. I'm okay."

She doesn't believe her and she tells her so.

Jennie just laughs, says, "Smart girl,” and says ‘no’ when she asks if she wants Lisa to do something for her.

"I really miss you,” Lisa says, because it's true and she doesn't tell her enough. It's been four months without seeing her at all, let alone getting to touch her, and even just hearing Jennie’s voice is enough to strike a fire in her.

Chaeyoung's away on business and Liam's out like a light at this hour.

"Do you?"

"Mmm. What are you doing?"

Her asshole husband must not be around, because she comes loudly on the phone and all Lisa has to do is be honest with her about how much she wants to  _feel_  her.

 

* * *

 

There's lipstick on Lisa’s blouse one night when she gets dressed to leave, and they laugh at the cliché as Jennie walks naked to the master bedroom and gives her an old tee-shirt to wear. It's Lisa’s anyway, one she took from her when they trained together and she said she was a dumbass for having a Journey shirt because no one listens to Journey anymore.

"You still have this?"

Jennie shrugs her shoulder. She walks closer, slowly presses Lisa against the island in the middle of her walk-in closet and kisses her,  _touches_  her, against the drawer where her husband's collection of watches is kept.

 

* * *

 

It's been going on far too long, but Lisa can't stop it.

Reconnecting with Jennie was a fluke she still doesn't quite understand. But her producer husband got involved in one of Big Bang's new albums and Lisa bumped into her at the studio. Jennie looked beautiful and she told her that, and then they met for coffee, and then Chaeyoung and her spent time together, and the rest is history.

Chaeyoung had terrible post-partum after Liam was born, but then she got better and things were amazing, better than ever, between them. They love their son so much and they're raising him together, just the way they both wanted to. She started talking about another baby, and all Lisa could think about was her after Liam was born, when she'd come home from tour and found Chaeyoung lying on the couch staring off into space while their son screamed and went hungry in his crib, and just...

She’d asked Jennie for drinks because she thought, somehow, that she'd be the least judgmental person she could talk to.

She loves Chaeyoung. She absolutely does, there's no questioning that. She's the mother of their son and she owes her life to her, Lisa thinks, because she picked her up and dusted her off when her life went south. Lisa proposed because she wanted to and she couldn't bear to lose her.

Liam was planned and he's perfect, and Lisa feels like the biggest fucking asshole on the planet for feeling like sometimes, this life isn't  _enough_.

Jennie makes her feel things she...

Jennie makes her feel things.

 

* * *

 

"We should do dinner with those little friends of yours," Siwoo tells her over coffee one morning. “The gay ones. Who are they?"

She grinds her teeth. Not because her husband is mentioning the woman she's fucking, but because he's such a goddamn arrogant asshole that he can't even remember her friends' names, that he’s mocking them for who they are (and who she is).

"Lisa and Chaeyoung."

"Right." Siwoo laughs a little, then says, "Without the kid, though. Obviously."

Jennie forces a smile.

She never could figure out how to tell him about the child of his she was carrying and lost. He wouldn't care either way.

 

* * *

 

"Say it," Lisa commands, and Jennie's hips roll as she whines out her name. "Say it and I'll give you what you want."

"Baby,  _please_." Not good enough. She brushes the back of her fingers over the inside of Jennie’s thigh. Jennie’s so keyed up that it's enough to make her body writhe and a broken cry leave her lips. "Lisa."

"Jennie.” She circles her thumb around Jennie's nerves the way the older girl  _hates_ because it's not enough, and then when Lisa looks at her face again, Jennie’s eyes are welling up with tears. Lisa watches her for just a second, until Jennie blinks and the tears slide down over her temples and into her hair.

"Baby," Lisa says quietly. Fuck. She didn't mean to make her cry. "Say it."

"I'm yours," she says shakily, and Lisa presses two fingers into her, feels her muscles work around them. "God, I'm  _yours_."

When they're through for the night, Lisa has this stupid feeling that she really shouldn't have made Jennie do that, and not just because she teased her until she cried before she'd let her come.

Jennie is hers, but Lisa doesn't think she could ever really let herself be Jennie’s.

 

* * *

 

Jennie’s in love with someone who _isn't_ her husband.

She seriously thought she was past the point of being able to ever love anyone  _at all_. She's been with Siwoo for too many years and has just dealt with being halfway happy. She's a trophy wife, and it'd make her hate herself if she wasn't one of the best damn singers in South Korea, too. People ask Siwoo all the time if he thinks his 'young wife' will release an album of her own one day. He gives them all fake smiles and says they're a while away from that.

She knows he just hates it when she gets attention he thinks he deserves.

And she's not guilty about the affair. Siwoo doesn't love her any more than she loves him.

She and Lisa end up in a hotel room in Hongdae, lying on a bed smaller than either of them is used to. Lisa’s fingers are carefully tugging through her hair, kinked and twisted from being pulled up all day. Her thumb keeps running back and forth over the skin just below Lisa’s chest, over a scar she has there from a dancing injury she had as a kid.

"Are you awake?" she asks, and Lisa doesn't answer.

She doesn't like being lied to, or mislead, or whatever. Lisa’s hand is still moving, so she's doing a shitty job of pretending to sleep.

"Lisa-ssi."

She actually wanted to talk to her. Fuck it. If she doesn't want to talk, that sure as hell doesn't mean she gets to ignore her. Jennie moves her hand to where Lisa wants it, positions herself in a way that she's touching her  _there_ , and lets Lisa think she believes her when she 'wakes up' and moans beneath her.

 

* * *

 

Lisa gets up the nerve to tell Jennie that they have to end this. She's a bastard already, but at least she can be a bastard who doesn't sleep with someone other than her wife. She's running out of excuses to feed Chaeyoung, and someone asked her the other day why the 'producer’s hot wife' has been to see her in her studio twice in as many weeks.

The last thing Lisa needs is it to get out that she's been fucking Jennie Kim. It'd be a massive scandal and she won't put her wife or their son through that. She just won't. People know she and Jennie used to be in the same company, which is enough of a connection as she needs anyone to make.

"Lisa," Chaeng sort of laughs, sliding her hand over her cheek. Liam is sitting between them on the sofa and they're watching The Lion King because their three year old is obsessed with it right now. "You're a million miles away, hon."

"No," Lisa says, and smiles at her. "No, I'm right here."

She kisses Chaeyoung with her eyes closed.

 

* * *

 

Jennie’s wearing lingerie under a thin robe as Lisa tells her it's over.

"Fuck you," she breathes out, but her heart is basically non-existent right now or something, and Lisa’s just standing there like a fucking idiot, telling her this is over between them. "Fuck you, Lisa. You honestly think..."

"Jennie, it's not..." She sighs and Jennie watches her push her hands through her hair. "I have a family. I have a son, and it's not right at all that I'm with you, that I'm splitting my time..."

"That's bullshit," Jennie spits at her, shoving at her chest. God, she would come over here when her husband is away and fucking break up with her, or whatever they're calling this. "You fucking  _coward_."

"I can't be a good mother if I'm lying like this and sneaking around. I have to change. Liam deserves both his parents."

Jennie’s not feeling particularly forgiving or nice right now.

"He also deserves a mother who isn't a handful of pills away from..."

"Don't," she says lowly, eyes boring into hers. Jennie's not afraid of her and she won't ever be, but she stops talking anyway, because she doesn't want Lisa to hate her. "Don't you dare talk about Chaeyoung like that. This isn't about you."

"You're right," Jennie says, smiling wanly at her. "You're absolutely right. I'm  _in love_  with you, but none of this is about me."

The taller woman just stands there and stares at her. Jennie watches Lisa's eyes fill with tears for a moment, and Lisa sort of tilts her head before letting out her breath.

Lisa doesn't love her back and Jennie knows that. She doesn't need to see it all over Lisa's face or hear her say the words or give her some bullshit excuse why she doesn't.

"Jennie."

She swallows the lump in her throat.

"Get out, Lisa."

 

* * *

 

Lisa makes love to her wife when Jisoo and her husband tell them they're expecting their first baby. Chaeyoung's upset and Lisa’s not ready to give any room on the issue of them having another one, but she can't think of a way to make Chaeng feel better other than to take her time with her. She likes it when Lisa does that, likes it when she whispers things against her skin and tells her she's the most beautiful woman she's ever seen.

Chaeyoung’s asleep in her arms after, hand resting over her stomach, and Lisa just can't stop thinking about how Jennie will take this news.

She's the only person in the world who knows that Jennie will never have a baby, because of some condition she's pre-disposed to. She knows she lost the only baby she'll ever...

Jennie would want Lisa to just take her and make her forget. She'd want hard and fast and sweat and no talking, other than to work her up more. She'd want more than one time. She'd dig her fingers into Lisa's back to keep herself from scratching her.

God, Jennie and Chaeyoung couldn't be more different even if they tried. Sometimes she thinks they do.

Liam wakes up in the night, for some reason, and Chaeyoung's still sleeping, so Lisa gets up and goes to her son's room to see why he's crying. It was a nightmare, he says, and when she gets Liam calmed down enough to stop shaking, Lisa still doesn't leave the bed.

"Go to sleep, love,” she says quietly, kissing her son's hair.

“Mommy, don't go."

It breaks her fucking heart that Liam thinks she would.

"I'm not going anywhere. Ever."

Chaeyoung carefully shakes her awake in the morning with a pretty smile on her face, and Lisa smiles when her wife blushes because she asks if she could massage the kinks out of her back.

 

* * *

 

"So, I take it it's over?" Siwoo asks her in the back of a car that's taking them to Damyang for the weekend.

"What?" Jennie asks, exasperated and exhausted, looking up from the work she brought with her in hopes of ignoring his overbearing family.

"You're not fucking Lisa Manoban anymore?"

Her chest feels hollow. More because thinking about Lisa still makes her feel like she's got no heart left at all than because Siwoo knows.

"I have no idea what you're talking about," she says, and looks at him because she's feeling bold enough to get away with lying to his face.

But Siwoo smirks like a prick and says, "I'll take that as a yes," and straightens his tie as though it isn't the  _only_ thing about him that's always perfect.

 

* * *

 

"It won't be like last time!"

"Chaeyoung-ah, _please_ ," she begs, and the only good thing about this fucking stupid fight they're having for the twentieth time is that Liam isn't home to hear it. "I said no. I don't want..."

She just stares at her. "You don't want another baby with me?"

"I don't want us to go through all that shit again. God, did you forget how hard it was? You were lost for two years and you wouldn’t let me help you, so I basically had Liam alone."

She looks shocked, like she had no idea Lisa felt that way, which is crazy, because she's told her before. "Are you saying I was a bad mother?"

Lisa’s not backing down from this. She's not. She's not putting any of them, or a new baby, through all that again.

"Are you saying you were a  _good_  one?"

Chaeyoung slaps her at the same time she starts crying, and Lisa regrets everything she said in her anger, thinks she deserves the pain as much as her wife deserves the tears.

 

* * *

 

Siwoo didn't mean to hit Jennie. That's what he says. He doesn't like, take a swing at her or anything. He doesn't get pissed and smack her around. She's pouring herself a third flute of champagne and he disagrees with her on whether or not she should drink it. When he's trying to take the glass away from her, his fist ends up hitting hard against her mouth.

Jennie's got a split lip and a husband who doesn't look quite as horrified as she thinks he should for what happened.

"You should  _listen_  to me," he tells her through gritted teeth, gripping onto one of her arms harshly as she holds her bleeding mouth.

Not even a fucking apology.

The entire drive across town, as her lip throbs and she worries about the blood on the front of her grey blazer, all she can think is that every fucking day, women deal with this shit. Do what he says and you won't end up bloodied and bruised.

Maybe he didn't mean to do it, but it doesn't seem to make a fucking bit of difference.

Jennie has no idea if Chaeyoung will be home when she buzzes up to their apartment, but she doesn't care. She isn't going to throw herself at Lisa or anything. She just needs friends right now, and she doesn't feel like she has anyone who can deal with her better than Lisa can.

Lisa opens the door and her face goes white when she sees the bruise around her mouth, the cut on her lip from Siwoo's knuckle. "What happened?" she asks.

"Nothing."

"Is that what he told you to say?" She squeezes her eyes shut. She hasn't seen Lisa in months, since they ended things and she told her to leave her apartment. The fact that Lisa just knows it was Siwoo who did this to her reminds her that she really can't hide _anything_ from her.

She feels Lisa’s hand come up to cup her jaw, thumb gently brushing against the mark on her face. "Can I come in?" she asks, quietly, and hopes Lisa knows she's not suggesting anything, she just needs her right now.

"Ni," she breathes. Her whole body seems to loosen up, and she tilts her head and looks at Jennie like she used to. Jennie blinks fast so the tears won't fall. "Of course."

She's missed sincerity.

Once they're convinced that she's really okay (how Jennie manages to convince them of it, she has no clue), she books a hotel downtown on Lisa's credit card so Siwoo can't trace it. That was Chaeng's idea. She promises that she'll pay them back, and the younger Korean makes some joke about how they know she's good on the money. Jennie laughs a bit because she needs to laugh at something, not because it's funny.

Lisa decides that she needs to get into the cab with Jennie and make sure she gets to her room okay, and Chaeyoung agrees that it's a good idea.

It's not until they're in the cab that she finally even touches her again. She slips her fingers between Jennie’s and looks at their hands.

"I miss you and… I'm sorry for all of this," she says, too quietly, and Jennie just nods, because she  _knows_.

When they get to her room, Lisa takes her by the hips and kisses her lips gently, makes sure to keep away from her cut, and lays her down on the bed in the room. She murmurs those words again when she's pushing up her dress, and Jennie lets herself enjoy it because she doesn't fucking care about anything else right now.

Not _anything_ else.

 

* * *

 

When Lisa gets home, she tells her wife that there was traffic, and Chaeyoung believes her.

She takes a long shower and climbs into bed next to Chaeng, thinks about another woman as her wife cuddles up to her.

And she wonders how she's supposed to give Jennie up when she's so fucking  _miserable_  without her.

"She'll be okay," Chaeyoung says, reassuring, moving her hand up and down over Lisa’s torso.

Lisa laughs, quietly, humorlessly, and covers the scar below her chest with her palm. Jennie always traces it with her thumb.

It's hers.

 

**Author's Note:**

> i know, this was bad. i'll do my best to make up for it :( anyway, please let me know what you guys think! i hope it was engaging at least haha
> 
> p.s. i published this terrible story due to immense pressure from long_live; wouldn't have done this if it were not for them so all violent reactions should be sent to them, not me. haha semi-kidding! long_live sunbaenim, you may be _really_ annoying, but you're my favorite person on the internet. 롱리브짱! do keep getting on my nerves and have a great year!


End file.
